My experiences, thoughts, desires, and observations.
I'm simple, yet complex. I know, yet I'm still learning who I am. I'm wise, yet naiive. I am changing, but remaining the same. I'm Distant & I love it
The more I try to just exist, to make it through one day at a time, the more I find that I am under attack. Like, legit, why can’t I just be happy? Isn’t everyone else? Doesn’t everyone else have a thing that brings them the utmost satisfaction, or some area in their life where they can say “Yes…this is perfect. I don’t need to touch it or change it. I know this is my place of solitude when all else fails.” I feel like all aspects of my life are falling to shit…at this very moment. If it’s not work, it’s home. If it’s not home, it’s my relationship. If it’s not my relationship, it’s my family. I work hard at everything. I work hard FOR everything. And it’s like as soon as I try to tip the scale in my favor in one arena, the universe of another arena gets jealous and backlashes.
The only solace I have found is in the fact that within two weeks, I will be returning to my church home. When all else fails, a word from my pastor and a prayer to my God, will keep me. I will let that be the glue that holds me together.
I don’t take differing opinions as offensive!
My thing is that there are a ton of benefits/ privileges that come with getting a degree & there’s really no way to get around that. I know people who have worked the same job for years and are really good at it but are refused a raise on the basis of them not having a degree. New folks come in making more money than them… doing lower level work… just because they have a degree. That’s real life.
There’s a reason why low income Black kids have been historically & are still discouraged from taking college bound classes in high school & are encouraged to attend trade school/ no school after hs. Because college does have a lot of benefits & there’s still the prevailing idea that it’s an entitlement for middle class whites & a privilege for everybody else.
I attended a small private college & every day I was reminded by others (either literally or symbolically) that I didn’t really belong there because of #1) my race and #2) my socioeconomic background. So my thing is why? Why was I made to not belong?
And it’s because there’s STILL something to be said about having access to a degree. And I was not viewed as being worthy enough to be in that space.
I don’t think people “rarely” get good jobs outside of college. All facts show that in our “depressed” economic time… college educated folks are the best off even if they are still fairing badly in comparison to college educated folks of the past.
I don’t see it as… get a degree, get a good job, and live the dream. I see it as get a degree, get a job that pays the bills and provides economic stability. And that’s not even touching the social benefits of getting a college degree.
I guess what bothers me is that if college is not for a person, then they are going to have a much harder time being financially okay. UNLESS they already came from a well to do family. Of course I’m not talking about them. I’m thinking about low income folks like myself. I wouldn’t have anywhere near as many professional/ career options… options to make a living… if it weren’t for college.
When I shit? Yea…
I grew up in a house with my brother my father and my uncle. HELL YES I like to wrestle. Lol
The world has a way of changing you…making you hard and calloussed. It can change the person you’re becoming…filling you with malice. The attitude you develop, isn’t the Christian way. Sometimes you just want to leave…but you’re forced to stay. It’s hard to keep giving when you feel you don’t receive…hard to keep the faith when the world doesn’t believe. Hard to forgive, even when you’re hurting…hard to feel like you’re even deserving. Hard not to be angry that people don’t see your pain…hard to turn the other cheek and not be filled with disdain. The world has a way of making an extrovert an introvert and it’s a struggle to ignore circumstance…the world has a way of suffocating your passion, silencing your voice and stopping your dance.
The fire in me has been reduced to a mere smolder. Lately I’m having trouble finding a flame. The world likes to erase color. It shades everything the same. The world makes the days dark and cloudy. Artificial light is the source of brightness. I can’t even find that. I don’t desire it’s likeness. Joy commeth in the morning. The world has taken my days. Driven away my sunshine. Nothing good stays. The world has blinded my sight. The world has darkend my spirit. My soul is crying out. The world doesn’t want me to hear it.
The world has turned my life into madness and haze, BUT I’ll be damned if I let the world come and steal my praise.
I LOVE CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION SHOWS!!! I started with Law and Order: Special Victim’s Unit, and have now expanded to Bones, Cold Case, and NCIS. I don’t know if I like them because every case is solved, if I am fascinated with the science, if I am in love with the actual investigating, or if I have been brainwashed like the rest of America to feed off of death, despair, and bad news. It is because of the possibility of the ladder that I have started weaning myself off of my favorite shows.
My process, and critical thinking on why I watch these shows, started 3 months ago one day while watching SVU. Like every episode, someone had been brutally raped and killed. This episode though was focused on a serial rapist who was already in jail, and the investigators was using him to understand the psyche of a copy cat that was re-surfacing after a few years. The rapist was vividly reliving his days of “work” and I grew uncomfortable, but it wasn’t because of what he was saying. I was watching the show with someone who I knew had been a victim of sexual assault. I glanced at my company, watched their body movement, and their eyes. Noticed how discomfort krept through them and how the atmosphere had changed in the room. I didn’t say anything. This had happened before; this person liked the show as much as I did, and I had noticed the discomfort before as well. I only felt this way, however, when this person or another sexual assault victim was in my presence during this show. That day, instead of just working my way through it and watching the show, I drifted into my own psyche, and asked myself why I went out of my way to watch a show on something that made me cringe when faced with it in real life. That is not to say that person made me cringe, but to know their story and how much it hurt them, made me literally want to kill on their behalf. If that is the case, why did I choose to fill my free afternoons watching a show about the victimization of other people in the same fashion? An even better question is why did I only feel uncomfortable when I knew someone else in the room could be caused extreme sadness while watching the show? Why not when they weren’t present?
I realized that I was allowing myself to be desensitized to something horrific that happens everyday in society. I realized that I only felt sincerely sick about it when it hit home for me. I realized that I, like so many other Americans, was only concerned when this life altering crime was committed to someone I loved. On that day, more than ever before, I was disappointed in myself. I have always prided myself on being the type of person who could look beyond myself, my own problems, my own social location, and sympathize with those who faced things I never had to. I didn’t want to be this person…I didn’t want to be a situational ally.
So…I stopped watching SVU. Simultaneously, without real thought, I dropped NCIS and Cold Case as well. The only show I have had a hard time letting go of is Bones, and I honestly think it’s because there is a story line outside of the murders and the investigations that I thoroughly enjoy (If you know me, you know I am a sucker for romance, so the budding relationships in the Smithsonian give me great pleasure).I revisit my journey, to be a better me, today…because I’ve been watching Bones all day and am seriously considering letting my show go. It’s a sad reality, but one that I might have to face. I want desperately to say “It’s one show. How can it hurt?” But in the back of my mind, I accuse myself of being the very person I despise…someone who doesn’t know where they stand in their politics.
I’m still struggling…but I do take pride in the fact that I recognize my behavior and can examine it for what it is. What do you think? When’s the last time you called yourself out for something you were doing that you felt was wrong?